Monthly Archives: July 2012

I’m pretty sure this isn’t an actual word, but if it were, this would be my definition:
Domesticitus: 1. Used to describe the state of mind a stay-at-home spouse enters into when at home with a list of items that need to be taken care of, but haven’t a clue as to where to begin…..”Dishes, sweep, mop, clean up living room, cook dinner- no wait; sweep, THEN mop, clean up living room….” 2. Amplified exponentially when children are added to the mix, especially infants, surly teenagers, or spirited toddlers/preschoolers.
**Side effects may include massive bags under the eyes, confusion, dizziness, an endless appetite for chocolate, coffee, and cheese munchies (usually not consumed together, but occasionally necessary), blackouts, desire to curl up in fetal position, testiness, short fuse, the “Calgon, take me away” syndrome, daydreams about taking a trip to Hawaii (alone), baristas-that-know-you-by-name(ism), short term memory loss………..short term……………….memory loss, giddiness at having a moment alone to use the bathroom……alone, short list of friends on speed dial…….

Back in the day, I remember Chuck E. Cheese being totally awesome! Video games, skeeball, tickets, & cheap novelty toys? Yes please! And pizza & birthday cake? Bring it! Now, as a parent, I dread thinking of even driving near it. The screaming children. Crappy pizza. Freaky animatronic rat? Well, recently one of Soph’s friends had a party there. Lynds & I rock-paper-scissors’d it out, and I drew the short straw (actually, I went willingly- nice guy that I am 🙂 They seemed to have undergone major changes, because I actually thought it went pretty well. The parents sprung for the best package available- which I guess can make a pretty big difference. The staff actually got involved w/ pumpin’ up the kids (and parents), served the cake, and the pizza……there was alot less games then I remember as a kid, but that didn’t seem to matter too much. And the pizza was actually decent.
OK, I’m not gonna willingly throw a party there- I’m not THAT crazy! But, if your kid does happen to get invited to a party there, it’s not actually that bad. Now, if they only had an espresso stand……

This morning, as I was dropping Soph off for Vacation Bible School, I parked next to a schwanky silver sports car…..I think it was like a Mercedes Kompressor (what kind of a name is Kompressor for a car, much less a sports car?) The parking lot is full of ueber spensive rollin’ rubber- after all, it is a church in the Bowl (an affluent part of town), right? As I was getting out, I carefully opened my door, but to open it all the way, I had to rest to door against the car next to me. No big, this has happened before w/out making a mark or dent. As I was getting out, I remembered Soph needed sunscreen. “OK, I’ll stop down and put some on before droppin’ her off” I thought to myself. So, as I was applying the sunscreen, the guy that owned the silver schwankster comes up behind me, his ascot-pressed docker shorts-sweater vest-boxer brief panties in a twist, and yells “Jesus, look what you did to my car!” Keep in mind that the door was merely touching his car. I apologized, closed my door slightly, secretly marveling over the irony of him using the Lords name in vain outside a church. Brilliant. He rubbed his “Baby” like it was severely injured, murmured several curse words under his breath, and left. Made my day. Yes, Mr Schwanky-pants…….feel the Friggin’ love of Christ! Yaaaaaaargh!!!!!!

Even as I begin to type this, I am being summoned away to once again try and put Lil Man to nappy-nap. Silence truly is golden- because it’s rare. At least it is here in this household. Whether it’s the barfin-shartin’ of the cat, the crankin’ of a cantankerous infant, or the Willowah Shriek of the Sophinator, there’s always some sort of noise happening here.
(One hour later)
Lil Man is (knock wood) down again. Aaaaaah, yes. The plight of any stay-at-home parent: nap time. We need it. They need it. Why is it so dang difficult for them to do it? And trying to cram all the things that get left undone into an unknown amount of time? Fuhgettaboutit. So, as I sit here posting this, snick-snackin’ on TJ’s Baked Cheese Crunchies (like Cheetos, but waaaaaaaaaaaay better- and gluten free!), here are some thoughts on how to spend that inevitably short period of time….
>>Have a list of things that need to get done. I myself am a list maker, bulleted preferably. I don’t like step one, step two, or a list of things in order of importance. My thoughts are random and I need to write them down quickly (See note about unknown amount of time). Keep the list in the same place so you know where it is next time you need it (this is a tuffy. I am notorious for losing everything from my glasses- blind as a bat w/out them- to my keys). For me a little sketchbook in my butt pocket works great. I call it “The Brain Dump.” And on the cover there’s a sketch of a brain……yes, taking a dump. Genius.
>>Do things in 15 min. increments. I came across this tip somewhere in a magazine. The idea is that doing short blocks of (whatever- cleaning, sweeping, etc) is supposed to leave you w/ a sense of gettin’ things done, w/out feeling overwhelmed by the mountains of tasks needing to be tackled- which is a good thing. That, and you have no idea how much time you have, so the more 15 min. tasks you can do, the more you feel like things are getting done, you’re in control, and you keep your sanity. Yaaaaaaaaay!!!!
>>Meditate. This one’s a bit more challenging, especially when you have more than just a nappin’ infant. Do it. Tell the other kids your taking a dump or something, but do it. I haven’t done it myself enough, but I’ll keep you posted on when I do and how things turn out (the mediation). Because I think it will really help.
>>Take the opportunity to spend some time w/ your other lil ones (if you have them). Babies take up quite a bit of one on one time, which could leave your other lil ones feeling left out. I use this as leverage to keep Soph from terrorizing Matty when he needs to take a nap. “If you don’t stop screeching, you’ll wake your brother. And if you wake your brother, I won’t have time to play ‘Pretty Pretty Princess with you.'”
>>Check Facebook/ troll the web. This could maybe be a reward for after chores are done, kids are played w/, and you’ve meditated and experienced Nirvana (Nevermind). Social media can be a huge time sucker, especially if you fall victim to the games (sorry Farmvillians; I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but I honestly don’t have time to help you till your virtual soil and grow virtual crops). But done in moderation, it can be a great way to keep up w/ old friends, update your distant relatives on the latest funny thing your child said/ did, or do what I like to do and make an occasional witty/ satirical comment/ observation and post pictures of your infant’s chubba-thigh-that-could-double-as-a-butt. Then there’s trolling the web. I do that if I’m looking for design inspiration, such as ideas for the Man Cave, the blog, a landscaping idea, or anything diy.
Given the time, how would you choose to spend it?

Monday must be Greek or Latin for “Poop” day. Yes Poop (and for all you SpongeBobbers out there I’m not talking about People Order Our Patties!) I know that Monday’s are notorious for bringin’ on the Blues……..but the Browns too?
Dookie-day started this am. I went to Papa-in-laws to scoop Meerose & Maisers’ kitty boxes (We’ll call this #2 #1). Not bad, except I picked up the newspaper only to find a cat had peed on the plastic bag holding the paper! Yuck! OK, so technically that wasn’t poop…….but it was still disgusting!
Next was a four-part series of events. (#2 2-5) Soph has been having some “incidents,” where she ends up not making it to the potty and leaving more than just a skidmark behind. I think it’s like a Shart thing, but 4 times? Really?! The last one was especially copious and required some additional assistance. Dude, come on!
The last one (#2 6), probably the one that tipped the Poop Scale was Matty. Yup. Total burnination. He’d been storing it up for a couple days, so it was a total “Crapshoot” as to who’d be the lucky one to get to hose him down. Looks like I drew the short straw. I’m talkin’ front to back, side to side…….every square inch. I kid you not. Caramel Macchiato! Left a huge stain in his Baseball jammies…….”When your slidin’ into home and you’re feelin’ somethin’ foam…….” Yup. Took 4 washcloths to clean up. It was the stuff nightmares are made of……wakin’ up in a cold sweat…………and like, “Awwwwwwwwwwww dang!!!!!”
So, just another day in the office for this Stay @ Home Dad. “So, honey, how was your day?”
“I got shat on! Shat on I tell you!!!! Quite literally!!!!!”
Gonna go take a shower, wash to stains from the day off, and maybe have a cold beer. I need it.

OK, so it’s like the first week of summer…………and I’m bored, but I’m ok with it. Soph’s in preschool, which mellows things out quite a bit. J’s downstairs wii’n it up and Matty’s asleep. So, it’s just me, kitty, and some chillin’ jazz. Now all I need is an afternoon perc-me-up, and I’m set.
Kinda different earlier this morning. J & I worked on some History, which I found cool- J not so much. After only 10 minutes of updating our 20th-21st century timeline, he laid on the floor and sighed, “ugh, are we DONE with History?!” Apparently learning about History, about how we has a nation, as a people, about the Great Wars, about Desegregation, the Great Depression, AND the invention of the Television…………pales in comparison to Hot Wheels on the Wii. He does, of course, before being released to the Man Cave and being reunited with his one true love, need to take care of some chores. Which, I might add, he’s gotten alot better about doing w/out the whumpin’ and complaining that used to accompany his tasks. So, I guess the lesson that I’ve learned is that to him, the “In the Beginning” began with the invention of the Wii. Everything prior……..is irrelevant. Hah!
Thinking back to my first statement- yes, I’m bored……but I’m ok with it. This is a topic that pops up quite a bit with me and J. To me, boredom breeds creativity; creativity breeds invention, ideas……art. I think back to my family trips to Souix City every summer, the long drives, hours…..upon hours………..upon hours……….of driving. My sisters and I sitting in the back, at times at each other’s throats. My sketchbook and I, countless hours doodling, coming up with ideas for projects……enjoying the natural beauty surrounding us as we drove……getting to experience how the rest of the nation lives; some places hadn’t seemed to have changed for decades! These are things that he could be missing out on, burying his head in video or video game. This is why I refuse to install Angry Birds on my phone. I know, I know; everything in moderation……but there’s still a part of me that digs my heels in. I guess I just don’t want my kids to miss out getting to experience the things that seem to be getting lost in the shuffle. Boredom is OK. Sit with it. Enjoy it. “Be still and know that I’m God.” How is that gonna happen if we’re tweet’n and fbook, Angry Bird’n every spare second we get? Ummmm…..ok, truth be told, this is a lesson that I too need to learn. Aaaaaaaaaaand, as a kid, if my parents had actually BOUGHT me a video game or portable DVD player to play w/ during the drive, I would’ve thought they were the ULTIMATE! Yes, as a kid the drives were really boring. But now, as an adult I can look back and see the value in what I experienced. So, J don’t quote me on this one, but maaaaaaaybe Angry Birds isn’t all THAT bad. And, an occasional tweet here and there isn’t criminal.
I dunno…………thoughts?